Simplicity is Freedom

My Fiancee is wonderful and the only thing that is keeping me sane.

My parents are getting divorced because my father is a lying sack of shit and I hate his guts right now. He won't be living in the same house after Christmas, joy. My mother is an emotional wreck because she still loves him even though he is cheating on her. I am trying to be strong for her, and not be a complete bitch to him, which is of course tearing me apart.

I am SO glad it is christmas vacation now.. I don't think i could deal with any more classes.

So yeah. thats about it.

i never use my Lj anymore.. it makes me sad... I think, and i am not positive about this so dont flip out if it doesn't happen. But i think i am going to create a different LJ account. Mostly because i don't post on this one because there are a lot of ppl who have this name, and i am not sure if i want some of those people reading certian things. AND i am Way to lazy to go around and choose who should read what and so forth. ANYWAYS it probably wont' happen it was just an idea. Maybe i should actually bookmark LJ so i attend to it more often. Let me know what you think. /waves at everyone

I got's a Tattoo!!!... its a clover with some Celtic Knotting in it. If I ever find my camera I will post a picture of it. YAY. I got to listen to my mom go first... she made such a fuss, it didn't hurt THAT much.

Gargh... i hate my computer right now... bluescreen of death and everything.

I hate me. Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. I seriously felt like my life would end, and to be honest it probably deserved to. I cried myself to sleep silently so I wouldn't wake my English roommate, gah. And then had wonderfully horrible dreams that just made everything oh so much better.

I can't help it if one night out of so many, during which this could have happened, I lose control of my temper. It doesn't really help when you have people there instigating you in every possible way. Yes, I know I was wrong in what I did; but it wasn't until I actually realized what had happened that I actually cared, like 20 seconds later. Gah, I fucking hate all of this, I can't ever do anything right and I feel like I am just managing to screw everything up royally. I know I hurt you, and I am very sorry; I guess I just didn't know that I had hurt you that much to bring that sortof question around.

In other news... since I know I seem kind of depressed, (good job by the way if you picked up on that). I went to the hockey game with Chels last night, we won, it was awesome, I actually learned something... amazing someone who actually knows what they are talking about when referencing hockey. And then after I get back to my room I realize that I don't have my phone and neither do the campus police. So after some calls I end up going back down to the Alfond to get my phone... yay. And this was before my life became a complete and total stinking shithole.

Don't ask questions, I don't feel like answering them and I won't.

What Dark Word Represents You? [anime pics]

Your word is: Confused. You have reached a stage in life where you have lost yourself completely. Identity-crisis is only the first name, and this is really depressing you. All you want is to be yourself, but how can you, when you know nothing? Others can not help in this situation, only you can find yourself again and become whole once more. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It's Valentine's Day, and I miss my Ian. But only two more days until i get to see him. Classes cancelled due to snow... it feels wierd having college canceled. *hugs* to all who deserve or need one... I'm feeling nice, so if my post yesterday made anyone feel horrible I am sorry, and you get an extra hug.

So... apparently the bookstore is completely stupid; for when I asked them initally for a list of my books for my CLA class they listed two. Well THEY WERE FUCKING WRONG. Apparently there is a third, and it is used in almost every essay i have to write for that class. This.. in turn,.. pisses me off. So noticing this, I traveled down to the bookstore after class today, and you know what; They don't fucking have anymore... all sold out. So i have to Special order this book, which could take a week or more to get; meanwhile essays are going to be piling up because i can't complete them without this one book. Grrr. Luckly my teacher is awesome, understands all of the stress i am under, understands when i say i can't really talk about it, and is telling me not to worry about the late assignments and to do them when i can. *i heart her*. So... i guess i should stop worrying about those for now. However the bookstore still pisses me off.

On a happier note... i get to see Ian this weekend *jumps up and down*. I almost hate the reason why i am going down, because i dont' want another one of my family members to go off to Iraq, but i want to at least see him before he goes. (no its not Ian). And i don't care what anyone says, Ian is the nicest man in the universe. Any of you talking behind my back about how we "have only been going out for a short amount of time, and things shouldn't be affecting me this way, because his isn't family, and it isn't close enough to you." Yeah all of you, you all can fuck off, and dont' think i dont' know who you are. Grr... You could at least say these things to my face instead of talking about them behind my back, WHICH, consequentially, just makes it that much worse. SO... Fuck you all (hugs to anyone who doesn't feel that way) i am going to go spend the weekend at home, with Ian; and saying goodbye to my family member. *cries*... sigh... too much crying lately. OKay that is all i guess... in short... life is annoying... the bookstore needs to burn down just burn so i can go roast marshmallows and finally be warm again... people need to get off my back about who i choose to love and trust above all others... and i hate seeing family members going off to Iraq, even if it is to protect us.

2 latin translations that NEED to get done, 3 essays for my Cla class that NEED to get done, an essay for my history class that is due on Wednesday that HAS to get done; and then an exam thursday, and an exam Friday. Do you SEE why i am stressed out... 13 credits my ass. Gah. But after all of this; regardless of if i get it all done or not, i get to go home, see some of my family before they leave, and see Ian. Damn it I miss him so much; its not fair. All i want to do is just snuggle up next to him and finally relax; because when i am around him everything feels right. Everything feels okay; and for a little while at least nothing can hurt me, nothing can stress me out.

I hate life, i hate my parents, i hate my mother. I love my boyfriend and his family... that is all.

Christmas Eve,... 250 dollar checkout at closing.... all button down fucking shirts... and all with hangers to remove... well thats how my day has gone, how about yours???

Soo... im with the Special one.. YAY... i missed him sooo much. *huggles*. This is one of the best christmas presents i could have asked for... because all i want is to be with him, and that is exactly what i get to do. That is all, happy holidays to all.

Soo today was about the longest day in history... I started at 9am by waking up, and ended at 1130 when i got to my room... well not ended, but at least i have some down time. Le Sigh. I really feel like i am going to fall off the deep end one of these days, not mentally but emotionally, i really cannot deal with all this stress at once. Everything that is going on with the sisterhood, i love them dearly but i need some space, i need to be with the people who really matter right now. Yes, my sisters and brothers are a part of my family, but not the part that i need to be with right now. I fear that with the drama going on with them right now, and my need to be with those that matter, and my emotional needs, my grades are going to drop, and i know that they already have and i hate that. But i also know that none of this is going to get any better until i put myself and what i feel is important first; and right now that is not school, it is not the sisterhood.
I don't feel safe up here, i feel very disjointed and to a point pushed aside, all i want is a fucking hug, and i can't get one.. not the one that counts, not the one that makes me feel safe. I want to feel safe, i want to feel protected and loved, not from afar, but right here, right now, and i can't have that right now.. I can't walk up to him and get a hug, i can't because he is three fucking hours away. And i dont' know if i could, because i know .. i KNOW the second i do i am going to break down in tears because he is the only one who knows exactly what i am going through. He is the only one who doesn't judge me, the only one who actually knows me for who i really am. In a way this scares me, no one has ever known me this... deeply; but in a way it is comforting. I have told him everything, from what i do and dont' like.. to my greatest fear and one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I am not used to feeling this known.
I dont' know why my reaction would be to cry, probably because i have been hording away all of this emotion for the past 2 or 3 weeks with no one to talk to, and he is someone i feel safe around enough to let it all out. Maybe because i miss him so much, or maybe because i just need to cry, but what i do know is that afterwards i would feel so much better, like a huge weight was lifted. He calms me, he grounds me. I feel safe around him, and i trust him not because of the things he has done for me, but because of the way he looks into my eyes. Eyes never lie, i have learned this ... many times... and Ian is the only guy i have loved and felt safe around that can make me feel that way by the way he looks into my eyes. They give me security, and give off the attitude that he would never let anything hurt me, they make me feel loved and wanted, and all i really want to do right now is be able to look back at them... but i can't. He is the only one who can see through my false smiles, my fake cheerfulness, and my talkativeness... and for that i thank you. I miss you... very much.

And i know this was very disjointed, but right now that is how my mind is,... i dont' want to be here, its not where i need to be... and i really need a good hug. so if you don't understand this... i really don't care.. have a nice night.. good bye.

sigh... its been a long time since i have actually posted on my LJ, so i might as well start, at least it will allow me to vent a tiny bit. First of all *huggles* I love my Ian, he is just about the best guy in the world. I really don't know how he deals with me... fucking saint. Soooo for example, a couple of nights ago I was really sad and depressed and couldn't stop crying and he calls me up, and we're talking... over my sobbing... and he is trying to cheer me up and comfort me. And then he gets all silent like and i think that he has fallen asleep or something, and he starts singing. It was the most surprising, comforting, and beautiful thing i have ever hear. It made me feel special, no guy has ever sang to me before... well unless you count Dessy and i singing the star spangled banner to eachother... but this was definately different.. obviously. It calmed me down a bit and comforted me enough that i could sleep.. Gah i miss him... i just want him to hold me and make everything better. Im stressed out about life right now, i am waiting on a letter from USM, i have a million things i have to do for school... study, read a book and write an essay, historian crap for TBS... well not crap... just stuff that i haven't had time to do yet. And to make it all worse i care nothing about any of this... the only thing i care about is seeing him and mom and adri and john... i really hate to say this but they have become more like my family than my biological one. I miss them, i miss being around people who love me, not people who like me now and backstab me later. I miss the security of his arms, the love, the warmth... i miss him... and that is all i care about right now, is him. so that is about all... i know... im a stupid girl in love, but i don't care.. i love him and that is all that matters and the rest of the world can go fuck itself. The End.

Yup ok so I now officially hate my face, its being a bitch and I am allergic to something or whatnot and it is causing me to break out in something or other that is REALLY ITCHY all around my face, and dont' think dirty ppl I don't do that. ARGH... and the stupid dermatologist didn't feel the need to run tests or anything even thought this is the SECOND time it has happened. Yeah the first time was in Winter, so obviously it isn't a mosquito or bug or pollen or anything else that doesn't grow in winter, ohhh and its not my stupid animals, because oh yeah THEY WEREN"T ALLOWED IN COLLEGE... stupid doctor. And this time I sleep out in a cabin for ONE night and wake up with chapped lips. of course i just think they get chapped and raw because they, and the rest of me, but mostly they FROZE all night. But no, the next day I have this lovely itchy crap that looks like poison ivy, and is just around my mouth, and chin and nose... ARGH im going to kill myself i swear. Expecially since the stupid doctor gave me a perscription for an OVER THE COUNTER DRUG.. geee doc i think i'll pay a dollar for this generic brand instead of this one with the pretty picture on it for Five more. Argh ... Kill me now or i swear i'll do it myself.

This is me venting, noone is allowed to take offense from it but me... so smile that I am bitching at a computer screen, and hitting a keyboard instead of those fish.

Ok, so one day my roommate and I go out and decide to buy fish. Weeelll, we were going to buy goldfish, but those tetras and barbs were just sooo darn cute, and besides a goldfish (according to the bastard at petco) either eat everything else, or get eaten by them. So we bought really cute fish and a tank and etc. so im starting a list... Sooo then later my roommate goes out and buys a cover for the fishie tank, yay, and more fish... hehe... and then we find out, ohh your water is fucking green, you have algae, and your filter probably sucks - so one chinese sucker fish later - i buy a power filter and refill filters and - omg where did my money go, *cry*... and then well the water is nice and clean, after we clean it and make it safe and put the new filter in, and then a week later, oh no green water... wha??? soooo then when i go home i buy some "kill your algae now... NO GREEN WATER" And something else that i forgot. And nooowwww our fish are fucking sick and thats gonna cost at least five dollars to fix.. in short i hate fish right now.

My Money *cry*
-----------------------------------
Tank, fish, accouterments = $77.50
Power filter and stuff = $23.50
Fishie safe crap and whtnt= $15.00
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Sub-Total $116.00
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Roomie's money
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Tank cover, fish =$50.00
Chinese Sucker Fish etc =$10.00 ???
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Sub-sub-Total $60.00
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Total. da da da daaaa $176.00

So in closing FISH COST TOO MUCH... and i feel like killing them right now ARGH

firstly i am in a happy mood and this should have been posted days ago, not the happy mood, what i am going to biotch about... so meeee chipper yay

Dancing, ok yes dancing is dancing, and yes it does happen infront of other people... mainly, get over it... also, no, i don't expect my bf to fast dance with me, no i probably won't even do that, but slow dancing is a must, and when i dont' even get that, yes it ticks me off... I don't expect you to know how to dance, all i expect is that you know how to put your arms around me and rock from side to side without stepping on my feet too much. However, since you KNOW how to swing dance, and it is my ultimate ultimate favorite best type of dancing then it would be nice IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY SWING DANCE with ME!!! Argh... I guess most ppl don't understand the difference between slow dancing and swing dancing, besides the ultimate visual effect, which i, when dancing, see none of. Well i can't expain it so go find someone to swing dance with...< i have, he just refuses to..... and its almost like he refuses to with me,... he learned it in school, like i did, he danced with other people, he even danced at a dance, not swing, but he still danced, i can't even get him to do that.... *pout* > Basically, the girl gets tossed around the dance floor at the mercy of the guy, hoping not to do like five spins in a row because it makes you dizzy... So if that isn't explanation enough go find someone to swing dance with...

Swing dance rules, *pouts* I WANNA DANCE!!!!

argh now me sad